So, I thought I’d write a little post about a statement I often hear a lot of Trans people say; ‘I Knew I was Trans Since my Childhood’. I decided to write this because although this may be the case with a lot of people, it’s not always as clear cut as that. Also, I think it’s also important to mention that this isn’t necessarily a deal breaker as to whether or not one is Trans. I think there are many Trans people who didnt know they were Trans until later in life.
So, i’m gonna tell you my own story when it comes to that and have a look at some of the factors that surround it. We will also have a little look at the various environmental factors that contribute to our way of thinking. Both past and present. I think it can be an easy misconception to make in thinking that you had to know this to be a Trans person.
I knew I was Trans Since Childhood?
As a Trans woman who only started Transition at age 42, I had no idea that I was Trans as a Child. I grew up in the 1980’s with very Homophobic parents. I’d say they were Transphobic too, but the fact is, hardly anyone knew or had even heard or Trans people. ‘Transvestites’ was the word that was generally used. But you only ever saw them on TV. Even at that, I didnt even see that til i was in my teens into the 90s. So, the idea of thinking that I may be Trans wasn’t anything I’d ever heard of let alone consider.
My friends were Girls
However, in Hindsight, when i look back at my early childhood now, a lot of things make sense. If you wanted to play a computer game back then (on the good old Commodore 64), it took about 10 minutes to load a game into the computer. So, we all played out every night in the streets and there was a lot of boys around where i lived.
But my 2 best friends that i hung around with all the time were girls, Julie-Ann and Iona. I remember Julie-Ann’s mom giving as row and sending me home because we both got caught playing with her moms makeup.lol. I loved it until i was made feel wrong for liking it as I grew up.
Iona had lots of girls toys like Dolls and hairdressing toys which I used to play with too. My only cousin at the time was a girl too and I used to love visiting her cos i got to play with her Barbie dolls. She was an only child, so she had everything Barbie that there was to have. It was amazing and I used to love playing with all her dolls and accessories.
Growing Up
As I grew up though, I learned that playing with girls stuff was for ‘Poofs’ which was synonymous for ‘Weak’ and ‘Target’. So needless to say, I soon learned to shelve those likes and made myself like things like Football. I used to go to all the football matches with my uncles. But looking back in Hindsight, I was always more concerned with th3e Football strips than the actual game. When i went to matches, i was always more concerned with everything else that was going on rather than the game.
When i first started listening to music at about age 9-10, I’d listen to the boy bands that my female friends listened to. Of course, when i learned that these were ‘for poofs’ as well, i quickly disowned any like of them and listened to stuff that i figured was for boys.
My Upbringing
Now as homophobic as my parents were and as much as they rammed it down my throat that Homosexuality was wrong, a sin, unnatural and all the rest of it. But I could never buy into that fully. As I got older, i accumulated quite a few friends who were Gay and Bi and I never had any issue with that. But the internalised homophobia was definitely there. Although, I Dunno how much of it was actually internalised homophobia, or just the fear of others and what they might do if i was to ever admit that i was anything other than Straight and CIS..
Thoughts on Sexuality
But I remember when i was about 14, I started getting sexual desires for men. But could barely even admit that to myself and would banish the thoughts as quick as they came. I couldn’t be thinking stuff like this’ i’d tell myself. Besides, it had been pretty deeply ironed into my mind that such thoughts were unnatural, wrong and doubtlessly just teenage confusion. Best to get them out of my head and try not to think tat way.
Thoughts on being Trans
However, I remember one time, being a teen and first started exploring porn, which consisted of looking at a copy of a porn rag that i had managed to pinch discreetly from somewhere. I remember seeing an advert for a Crossdressing place where you could go and dress up in women’s clothes and remember thinking how amazing that could be. I think that was my first ever notion of wishing i was a woman. Now i guess the advert was aimed more at crossdressers and TVs who’d go there n dress mainly for sexual purposes. But for me, it was the first and only experience of anything of the sort and for me, it was more a case that I wanted to actually go somewhere that I could just be a woman all the time.
Then I knew I was Trans
But my biggest stumbling block was my parents attitude. I knew that if i ever did come out as being trans, then I’d have to accept that theyd disown me, which of course they did but it took me many years to get to that point. Although, it really wasn’t until I was into my 30s that I knew what being Transsexual actually was. Of course, i’d heard of Trans people since my teens and by this time, I even knew some Trans people.
But up until that point, I always thought it was a case of ‘Wanting to be a woman (or man in the case of Trans men)’. But it was only when i was in my 30s that i learned about the scientific side of it and how its actually about how youre born. Something you ARE instead of something you DO or WANT. This made a massive difference to my thinking.
More Stumbling Blocks
Now, as a boy, i never saw myself as being attractive. In fact, I always thought i was quite ugly. But I guess i must’ve been ok cos I never had trouble attracting girls. But this was actually a stumbling block for me. Whenever i was single for a few weeks, I’d start thinking more about the topic.
But I’d soon end up with a girl again and my alter ego would kick in. The defence persona I had become so accustomed to donning. ie, the straight and CIS ” Man”. The Man that the girls went for and this made me very secretive about my feelings cos i always feared that if i ever spoke to a girl about it, theyd see me as a defect and leave me.
So i carried on living the charade. As a result, I had a child, which at the time gave me secure feeling that i wasn’t a defect Afterall. I was actually a man. Not a queer. But that was short lived and each time i ended up single, I’d take steps towards discovering my sexuality and gender. But still, the idea of ever Transitioning was only a pipe dream. I thought i could never walk away from my family. So, as far as i was concerned, transitioning was for other people. Lucky people. People with more liberal families etc..
The Fear of Loss
I was a Punk and a Traveller for many years by this time. So i was well accustomed to not blending in and being different from the mainstream populace. It didnt really bother me what anyone else would say or think of me if I came out as Trans. But the idea of leaving my family was just a No No. I knew that theyd never accept it and I couldn’t even contemplate turning my back on them.
But in reality, it was them who turned their backs on me in the end. I now know and accept tat I’ve done nothing wrong and that being Trans isn’t a bad thing. But at the time, i still carried that guilt that was hammered into me since upbringing.
Exploring what it meant to be Trans
But on one of these periods of being single, i tried looking further into exploring my gender. But as a result, i ended up meeting and falling in love with a Trans girl. This was very detrimental to my development because she fell in love with the Man i was portraying myself to be. Not with a Trans woman. So as a result, i pushed the charade of Manhood to its Max. Mind you, I say it was detrimental but it was probably this that finally pushed me to crack. I couldn’t do it anymore.
In an attempt to understand her better, i looked more into what it means to be Trans but instead of understanding her better, I only became more and more convinced that I was Trans. But by this time, it wasn’t just my family i feared losing but i knew I’d lose her too.
Enough is Enough
But eventually i knew i couldn’t do it anymore. My both maternal grandparents died around this time and one of my uncles came out as Gay. It was the same old story id seen so many times before. People hanging off til their parents were dead n gone before theyd come out and start living as their true selves. But at what cost? At the cost of the majority of their lives because theyd be almost retired themselves by the time they could be themselves.
Well, i decided that i wasn’t doing that. No way. Where would it end? And how could I inspire my daughter to live her true self too if i couldn’t even do so myself. No. I remember thinking of the phrase ‘The Buck Stops here’ and knew that i had to nip it in the bud, now. So, I called my partner and told her. She dumped me as expected and I also called my mother and told her
There, it was done. My Egg was cracked and since then, ive never felt so happy before as i do now.
A New Kind of strength
Dont get me wrong, things havent been exactly easy. My parents n family no longer speak to me and the past couple of years has been the toughest time of my life with homelessness, abandonment and more. But I got through it all because inside, i was content.
But I’m currently at a stage where I’m working on taking responsibility for my own part. But i try not to beat myself up too much. Sure, my family made it hard. But i guess it was still my choice to let that fear stop me progressing. Cos its far too easy to fall into the trap of resentment and there have been many times since i started transition where ive resented my parents for holding me back. I mean, I’m no spring chicken and a lot of the time it annoys me tat i missed out on those decades of being ab young woman.
But i guess living as a boy wasn’t complete misery. I have had a good life too. So the years weren’t entirely wanted. But I’m just so glad now that although I’m getting old, I’m now living as myself and tats the main thing i guess.
Can I say ‘I knew I was Trans as a child’ then?
So, when it comes to whether or not I knew I was Trans since I was a child, then I’ll say that I didnt. But I probably should have. Perhaps if I was a child today, then i would know that I was Trans because i’d have that information I need to decide on that. But I wasn’t, so it is what it is. But i guess the signs were always there had i known how to read them at the time.
But its also amazing how my views have changed a lot since educating myself on things as well as experience. I used to be a lot more conservative minded when it came to certain things. I was always set against anyone telling a parent how they should raise a child but now I understand that sometimes its needed. Otherwise the cycle never ends.
I used to also buy into the narrative of ‘Kids should be allowed to be Kids’ ad that Transitioning was something they should only contemplate when theyre old enough to do so, meaning when theyre adults. But nowadays, my mid is completely changed on that one now that i understand HRT much better.
Education is Vital
So, I think weve come a long way since the 1980s but theres still a long way to go and i strongly beleive that the only way to get there is by education. People need to be educated and i guess its our job to do so. Not that i think every trans person should be a walking Info centre. But I try not to be too tough on people who aren’t as educated on trans issues like we are because i know i was once there myself.
I think its important to understand that people come from all different backgrounds and environments and not everyone has had the chance to be educated on the subject. Many people have had different upbringings and with it, many fears and Phobias. We need to understand that and give people a chance. But all in all, i think things are progressing pretty well on that front.
Karalyne
