Hi there everyone. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas time. My apologies for the gap since my last post. Unfortunately things have been pretty chaotic around here lately and my anxiety and struggle coping with depression has not helped the situation at all. So I thought it about time for an update and fill you in on my recent news which has been quite eventful and distressing.
Unfortunately, I came home a couple of weeks ago to find my friend who I’ve been staying with dead which apart from the initial head fuck of finding him has also been a complete nightmare as far as living arrangements go and I’m still currently staying in my friends flat. But I am anticipating the council coming to evict me any day soon.
Coping with Depression
I have actually been suffering from depression for some 15 years at least. maybe more if I analyse it. But for years I was able to cope with it. Having my old council flat was really helpful as I always knew that come the winter months I would be struggling to get my head into gear to do things. So I’d make sure that I got everything done in the better months and I would work hard all summer to make sure everything was covered for those dark depressing winter months.
Throughout the winter months I would end up just zoning out into the computer or phone when things got too over bearing to cope with. This is a trait that I still do a lot today in these times. But I was always covered so I could afford to hibernate with my depression. However, that kinda got blown up in the air when I lost my council flat 5 years ago, triggering a series of catastrophes which has felt like people takin a bite out of my ass from all directions when I’m down.
Not Coping with depression
Having lost my council flat, I was back on the road fulltime either in a caravan or just in the car which actually kept my mind really busy as i was driving every day and this helped in the winter months to keep the depression minimal.
Then one night I got a tug from the police to find out that my driving license had been revoked as a result of me failing to respond to a letter they’d sent to my council flat. It turned out that in the Chaos of almost having a breakdown that year, I didn’t prioritise informing the DVLA about my change of address (Even though i had no address and was living in the car).
So that really knocked me for six, especially living in quite a rural area where the Bus service is a disgrace so makes going anywhere a complete nightmare. So I ended up pretty much grounded for a couple of years, especially during the Covid pandemic.
But then this year, things were slightly different. I was finding it quite hard to cope during the summer and would happily just zone out into my work. But dealing with anything decisive was a struggle. I think it was because I’m completely fed up of living here and want to move somewhere else but have been struggling for inspiration and aptitude to move anywhere. When the festival season was over back in September, I came back to the same place.
Nightmare before Christmas
So, I ended up coming back and staying with my friend who had got a flat about 5 minutes walk from where my last flat, a private let in Bathgate was. I’d put him up for a bit when he moved up from Bristol last year. So as i was technically homeless at the end of the season, he offered to let me stay as long as i needed to and was good for me to stay till the springtime.
However, it was sometimes a complete nightmare as he was taking copious amounts of prescription drugs like he was on a reckless suicide mission. A couple of times this became too much for me to handle being around and took my tent up the hill for a few nights.
But it wasn’t as cold back then a few weeks ago. I tried my best to warn him of the dangers of taking as much as he4 was but it only seemed to encourage him to take even more. So I’d try to explain how much of a nightmare it was for others to be around but it didn’t seem to stop him.
I guess it was just a matter of time. But I’d hoped he would have run out of money to buy any drugs before anything happened but unfortunately it was not to be and it killed him. So the past couple of weeks have been chaotic with the panic of being evicted. When i moved out of my last flat, I brought all my personal belongings here. So I’ve had all that to find storage for.
Fortunately my brother came and took a load away to his for me but I still have a bit of stuff here that I can take to a friends. But it has been a nightmare to find the motivation to get on with it all as I get bad anxiety when I go out these days.
Dealing with the Council
Worried that I was gonna get turned out onto the streets any day, I tried to go and see the council about accommodation and to see if there are any options of anything alternative to a homeless hostel which I cant handle and will probably go back to living in the tent before going into one of those places. It has been bad enough being around one person out of their face on drugs all the time. I dont want to be around that scene and the homeless hostels are full of it.
However, the bus didn’t turn up for over 2 hours and my anxiety was sky high when i got there. Then i had to sit in a massive open foyer surrounded by peoples so my nerves were like banjo strings. When the so called housing officer came down to deal with me after a 70 minute wait, he was a complete ignoramus who thought he was being a smart ass to keep calling me “Sir” whilst sniggering to his colleague. He so clearly did not want to deal with me and wanted to get home and was just dismissive and telling me to come back the next day.
I’d just suffered about 3 anxiety attacks on the way there. No way. But then I ended up having a meltdown and broke down in tears and telling them I needed help. At this the rat bag was just like “Oh, we’ll let the police deal with it” and both walked away. I was furious at them. I could see myself from a fly on the wall view, clearly not coping, and these ratbags exploiting that fact to fob me off and not do their jobs. Bullies have always made my blood boil and this is exactly what they were doing.
Crushing me down
Thankfully, a friend come with me again to the council and their attitude was different. It usually is when they know its not just your word against theirs.
I registered as homeless and still awaiting the council evicting me and still need to get stuff moved to my friends in the next village but its a logistical nightmare when hand balling it all on buses or on foot. The miserable and bitterly cold weather hasn’t helped at all either with getting my head into gear to do it.
It takes me hours usually to get my head together to make it out the door at the best of times when I’m on a depression but with it burning in my mind that I’m due to be evicted is crushing and i find myself zoning out on my phone or laptop. I really need help but every so called mental health department I contact just seem to fob me off to someone else because I probably sound too much like hard work for them to deal with.
I should also be getting benefits that I’m entitled to but haven’t been able to cope with getting the forms all filled out. That’s something else I need to get help with as well as help with housing. But it has been a total nightmare trying to find it and not just being fobbed off.
I just hope 2023 brings some hope soon to help put an end to this darkness, and fear.
