A couple of years ago, I would have without a doubt thought of myself as being emotionally mature. But since coming out as Trans, I have allowed myself to open up previously suppressed emotions. Now sometimes I feel emotionally like a little girl.
Sometimes I Feel like a little girl
A couple of years ago, I would have considered myself quite hardened in the heart to sad emotions. I used to wonder if I was somewhat hard hearted when a friend would die and everyone else would be crying and I wasn’t. Tears are just something that I learned to shut off many many years ago when I was s a child. However, I must admit that towards the end of my life as a male, I wasn’t so sure. Certain emotions were starting to manifest themselves in an ugly fashion.
But earlier this year, I decided to try and embrace all my emotions and finally got myself to cry and felt a million years better for doing so. Now I try and let the tears flow when I’m feeling sad and since I have been doing so, I have felt a lot less angry about things. This has effectively been a much more healthier result.
Emotions of a Little Girl
However, since I have suppressed sadness for years and used anger as a method of channeling it, I’ve never really learned how to cope with it and manage it effectively and that is what I have been doing for the past year almost. So in a lot of ways I feel as though I am still a child as far emotional maturity goes.
This has been strange and there have been a few occasions where I have found myself getting extremely emotional about tiny little things that I would have just shrugged off a couple of years ago as being nothing. Then afterwards when my emotions have levelled out, I wonder where on earth the bout of sadness and tears came from.
When I was younger, as a child, I used to get emotional. But I always felt like I had something wrong with me. So I hated myself in a way for it. But I quickly learned to suppress these tears as I went into my teenage years. Yet I guess looking back in reflection that I did still often get emotional about things. But I’d just turn the upset into anger.
However as I learned over the years, this is not a healthy way of coping with emotions at all. I was starting to really feel ill a couple of years ago. I was seething with bitterness about certain things. But a lot of this bitterness was just self cooked up in my own head as a way to fight off the sad emotions that would make me want to cry.
Catching Up
But once i learned to cry, I felt like such a weight was lifted from my shoulders. It’s just a case of learning how to manage these emotions now. But I’m getting there. It just feels strange at my age feeling like a teenage girl. But I guess I could say the same about a lot of things that I have been adapting to over the past year.
For Instance, a year ago, I hadn’t a clue how to apply makeup at all so I had to learn quick. So my experience in that field is only a year old. Whereas most women my age who like to wear makeup have been doing so since they were in their teens. So they have years of experience. I’m just like a teenager as far as experience with that goes.
But having said all that, it has to be said that I am growing up fast. Much faster than a girl would naturally develop. I guess its just a case of getting used to a lot of things and adapting. But all in all, I think I’m doing okay really.
It’s good to Talk
I find that talking about a lot of things tends to help and as I’m not exactly surrounded by people who understand my situation, I find I get a lot of support online from my sisters who are also on their own journeys but experience similar things and for that I am eternally grateful.
I also find it very therapeutic to blog about these things and hopefully my words may be of use to someone else. If you enjoy reading my articles though, why not join my VIP Members Club. It’s completely Free and only takes a few seconds top join. Just follow the link below.
Have a lovely day y’all!
Karalyne
xxx
