Hi there everyone! I thought it about time that I wrote a post here as it has been a little while since my last blog post. Unfortunately things have been pretty grim here lately and it’s been feeling like I’m stabbing at the dark, hoping to find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, but nothing much has been forthcoming.
After finding my friend dead a couple of weeks before Christmas, things have been chaotic and I have to say that I really have been struggling to cope with it all. Things have been really bleak and i haven’t been able to see much light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing that has been keeping me afloat is the knowledge that I’m on the right path with my transition and that soon, I will get the medical help I need now that I’m on the right track, even though I’m well aware that I still have a while to wait.
Stabbing at the dark
I’ve been through a few rough patches in the past, but I think the past few weeks has very possibly been the bleakest time of my life so far. I think if this had happened a couple of years ago before discovering my own gender, then I’d have very probably have given up and killed myself. But now I have a driving force that keeps me going even though I’m struggling to find any hope really and every day I’m aware that things are probably about to get worse too as I’m contemplating being on the streets any day. In fact, I already feel as if I’m on borrowed time as far as having a roof over my head goes. I’d actually expected to have been evicted already.
No escape
I think that coming back here to Bathgate after the festival season was finished was possibly the worst decision I ever made. At the time, I was still active and my mindset was a lot better. But since coming back here and being indoors, depression has taken hold again and with it anxiety and the struggle to cope with pressure or even go outside a lot of the time. This has been self perpetuating. But adding dysphoria to the mix on a lot of days has really been a struggle.
When I came back here, I come to stay with a freind who I had put up a while back when he first moved up north from Bristol last year. He had got a council flat over the summer and had said it was okay for me to stay as long as I wanted. Well, any other time I’d have probably just done so for a couple of weeks until I found somewhere of my own.
But I have really gotten fed up of living in this area, especially since my family stopped talking to me since I came out as being Transgender. I dont feel like there’s anything left here for me, but I’ve been at a loss as to what to do and where to go. I’ve been finding it really hard to have the confidence to go somewhere else on my own to start up and find a place to live. I’ve been feeling really vulnerable and it has made me retreat more and more into staying indoors and I’ve been here since.
Trying times
Things have been comfortable for the past couple of months in the sense that i have been able to just switch off to the pressures or every day life and just bury myself in my reading and writing. But my freind was getting really bad over the last few months with drugs and taking copious amounts of street vallium which has also been at dangerous levels. As a result, ive been having to babysit him and endure his falling around the place in a state. This has been very taxing on my mental health and few times Ive just been so desperate to get away but haven’t been able to find anywhere to go that hasn’t been too much for me to cope with.
Before the weather got really cold, there was a couple of occassions that I just couldnt handle living amongst it anymore and took my tent up the hill and camped for a few nights at a time. But eventually the cold got the better of me and I decided that I would just have to endure being around it all as at least it was better than freezing to death. At least it was just my friend who i had known for years and not a hostel full of it which seemed to be the only option i’d have with the council for housing.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire
Time and time again I warned my freind of the dangers of taking the amount of drugs he was taking, but this only seemed to encourage him to do even more. I triued reasoning with him from other angles like explaining to him how much of a nightmare it was to be around. When he had run out of drugs and straightened up, this would appear to be sinking in with him but as soon as he got money again, he would be straiught on the phone to his dealer and buying a load of pills again. Each time would just fill me with more dread again that I was about to have toi put up with him falling all over the place like a zombie again.
Then, a couple of weeks before Christmas, the inevitable happened. He took too much and died. I had fallen out with him over how much he was getting wasted and had kept myself away from him, studying on my laptop in the next room. I decided not to disturb him as I thought he was just sleeping and didnt want to wake him up for fear of being subjected to more drugged up falling about as i was already mentally exhausted from having to babysit him for days previous.
However, when i hadn’t seen him for a couple of days I thought I’d better check on him. I found him dead face down in his room. He looked as if he had just been crawling around out of his face and fallen asleep for his final time. So I think he probably had a peaceful death. Not so peaceful however for everyone left behind as these things normally go. I called an ambulance and the police come and spent a couple of hours taking his body away. At first it was looking like i was going to be kicked out onto the street that night. But the police agreed to let me stay there, so I at least had a roof over my head.
What a nightmare Trying to Deal with the Council
The following week was a frenzy and I tried reaching out to the council. But they just done what they do best – see someone struggling to cope and use it as an excuse not to do their jobs. Afterall, its only the word of someone who cant cope against theirs so they knew they could just fob me off and get away with it. Fortunately enough, I was able to stay there over the Christmas period and was able to go back to the council again with someone from a Transgender support group on Facebook that I am a member of who had kindly offered to come with me.
This made a significant difference. The fact that I had someone with me meant that they knew they couldnt just bully me so easy as they had done the time before. Although I didnt really get much of a result besides registering as homeless. But was told that i’d have to wait until I was actually on the street before they would have a look at my case. This means that they will just try and herd me into a homeless hostel or hotel which I dont feel safe doing as I not only feel vulnerable but cant handle being around any more of that drugs scene. I’d sooner take my chances living in my tent. So i’m just hoping I can get away with staying here for as long as possible so that i have less winter weather to endure when they do put me out.
I know I need help, but where is it?
It really frustrates me when people tell me I need help because i’m not only well aware of this fact but have been pleading for help for the past years. In some cases ive even found myself on the phone to my doctor in tears begging for help. I need a support worker who can help me sort things out and get on top of all the officialdom that has been buckling me. But whenever I try to contact these agencies that people tell me are so good, they just fob me off.
It seems that they’re happy to help people who have straight forward cases because its easy for them. But anyone else who is not so much of a cut n dry case and requires a bit of effort on their part then they just fob me off, giving me phone numbers that dont work or places that i call up to find out that they are even further from what i need. One agency even fobbed me off with the number for an under 25s group even though they knew my age was almost 20 years too old. Anything just to get rid of me. It seems like ive got to have actually killed myself before they will consider helping me.
What Next?
Well as for what lies ahead, I truly have no idea. But I think I can genuinely say that this is the darkest time in my life. My only hope is within myself because I know that once i come out of this and find somewhere safe to live, I can press on with HRT and focus on becoming complete. I just hope I can make it that far without the elements killing me first.
