In our day to day lives, we often find ourselves expressing ourselves in a way that appeals to our audience, especially when we are talking about a professional situation, be it at work, at school, university or even in socializing circumstances. But how does it feel when you are able to express your authentic self?
Being able to express your Authentic Self
As a Transsexual woman who only really discovered myself just over a year ago, I have to admit that for many years, I have always found it hard to truly express myself fully as the woman I am.
However, a lot of this has to do with the fact that I didnt know who I was until recently. But I have been fortunate in life to have circles of friends where pretention is unneeded and I have been able to express myself.
I guess in many ways this is why I have lived the way I have done as I couldn’t be bothered from a young age having to pretend to be someone I’m not just like I’d watch many of my schoolmates do.
Each in competition to see who could be the “Coolest” or most switched on. In fact, when i see it today still with people, it kinda makes me chuckle.
Surrounded by Inauthenticity
Perhaps you will see the one person in the crowd who is the one everyone looks up to as being the “Educated” one or the guy who knows everything there is to know about music. His audience will doubtlessly see him as being completely authentic. But when you overhear their conversation, perhaps in a pub or restaurant. What they are saying is the same line that you’ve heard a million times before and was probably taken straight from the Mojo magazine or the NME, etc.
To me, these people are far from Authentic. They are like little cardboard cut outs, all striving to be the cleanest cut. It’s kinda sad. But this is just a small example of the many ways people can be inauthentic and even ourselves sometimes are often pushed into positions where we need to “Put on a face” so to speak.
But doesnt it just feel amazing when we can totally relax and be ourselves?
My Own Authenticity
Since I was about 14 or 15 years old, I found an alternative to what all my local peers were doing and got involved in the “New age Traveler” scene. This was in the early 1990s at a time where it was still possible to get away with driving a truck or bus at the age of 16 without a license, so i was pretty much doing my own thing by the time i reached adulthood and the people i hung around with on street corners were still hanging around on the same street corners still for a few years to come.
So, the circle of people I was around made it really easy to express your own Authentic self. It was quite a non judgmental crowd and when I later got involved in Ecological Activism via the Road Protest Movement and Anti-Quarry campaigns, it was quite similar, although I must admit, there were certain people involved in these movements who, if you didn’t match their opinions, would oust people from the community. Fortunately for me though, I was of the same opinions as many of these “Queen Bee’s” for want of a better expression. So, I also found that easy to express myself.
The Only way is up!
Although, I have to admit, that there was a time in between these circles where the Traveler convoy had been split up by government making things harder. This drove most travelers overseas, mostly to Spain or Ireland, or else off the road and onto Heroin. Sadly, although spending some time in Ireland, I was pretty much soon back in England, bumming from town to town on the smack.
Not a pleasant place for someone in their late teens to be, but on the other hand, you could express yourself as much as you liked cos nobody was gonna kick you any lower than you already were. So what had we to lose?
I’m happy to say that this was an ugly scene i eventually moved on from in my late twenties and have no desire whatsoever to go back to. But just thought I’d cover it for the benefit of this article.
How do you express your Authentic Self when it seems impossible?
Just over a year ago I made the life changing discovery that I am actually a woman who has been trying to live as a man for decades. This led to gross unhappiness. Discovering my true self made me so much happier.
However, for a while, having still being in the Covid-19 lockdown frame of mind, I carried on spending most of my time cooped up indoors and wouldn’t face anyone unless i knew my makeup was perfect and I didn’t look too masculine. This is something I still feel today.
But I still had visitors and visited people and felt like i could openly express my own authentic self freely. But I had to get out of the flat i was living in due to getting hell from my landlady including threats of violence and insults to my family including my child.
Out of the frying pan….
So, I figured that with the festival season starting up again, all i’d need to do is get myself out the door and I’d be fine. But it didn’t quite work that way. Instead, I found myself really dependent on others to find work and to generally survive. This year has to be one of the easiest years for work pace and crew catering which i thought was life saving as i don’t know what i would have done without it.
I’d kinda hoped that by the time the season was finished, I’d have formulated a plan of action. But my head is still a shed and I’m currently living between my tent and when it gets really cold, at an old friend of mine who is a heavy drug addict and the environment of both makes it really hard for me to just to be myself.
All I want to do is find somewhere safe and warm to stay for the winter and maybe do something at college as there’s plenty of things I’ve never gave myself a chance to learn before. But more than anything, just being able to live my life happily and have the ability to express my authentic self.
Do you ever feel this way?
I’m always keen to hear how my readers are getting on with many of the same things I’m going through. So, i’d really love to hear from you if you are affected by what I’m talking about in any way. Just drop me a little note here and i’ll get back to you asap.
You can also keep updated with all my latest articles when you become a member of my VIP Members Club. Just follow the link to join below. Its completely Free.
