Hi there Everyone! Hope you’re all good and well! Today I decided to write a little article on Why I hate my Voice as more and more so recently, I have been finding this to be a big stumbling block in my life which often results in me not leaving the house for days at a time, sometimes weeks.
Sometimes, in fact recently more often than not, I find myself happy to b shut away indoors with No Contact with anyone else at least in person as it would require me having to speak. Well, that would mean that I would then have to hear my own voice that not only makes me cringe, but also makes me feel seriously ill.
If not at the current moment, later.
Sometimes hours or days later.
I Hate the Sound of My Voice
Quite a lot lately, I have become what many may call Anti-Social or Rude. To be honest, I couldn’t care less. I see it as me protecting my life.
That may sound a bit dramatic, but when one takes into consideration that the same problem has twice almost resulted in my death by suicide then then its tough shit if people dont like it.
If I was completely out of the blue, then It could be easy to understand others bewilderment at my attitude. But when it’s people who continue to turn up at your door despite you telling them you dont want visitors that day, then its not. More and more i end up finding myself sounding like a right anti social bastard by turning people away when they come to the door.
I have already explained to most of them the reason I dont want visitors, yet they just turn up anyway because they do not understand this. In fact, some of them thought that being Transgender just meant that you liked wearing women’s clothes. So I have been trying to educate them on the difference between being Transsexual and being a Crossdresser.
But I cant blame individuals for being ignorant of these facts when that’s exactly what society has portrayed for so long. Everyone at least deserves a chance to be educated on the matter. Should they choose to ignore facts and arrogantly carry on with the same attitude, then it’s a different story. But most of them mean well.
It’s just myself who cant bear to hear my own voice so often.
Why I hate my Voice
Ever since I was a teen, growing up in a Homophobic household which I would also say was very Gender Ignorant, but no distinction was even made in our house. If you looked, sounded or acted feminine, then you must be “A poof!”.
Now, all through my life, being different from others has never been a problem for me as I took the bullying at school for looking different and being into different, more creative things than most of the half its at my school would have ever had the balls to even consider. Bullied long enough until one day I had enough and kicked one of them up and down the classroom.
Perhaps not the best way to deal with the situation. But being as the teachers were happy to sit back n let it happen and my parents were the ones forcing me into that situation, I retorted in the only way at the time I saw as being an option. But I never did like it and violence was always a result of being pushed and pushed until i’d erupt in frustration.
Right or wrong though, they didn’t dare bully me again after that.
The Shadow that overhangs
But despite not caring about what anyone else thought of me for the way I dressed, etc. I was a Grungy Kid then a Punk), I did however worry about what my own parents thought. I mean, my style of dress was never gonna sit well with them. But anything that would cause them to disown me was something i could never let happen.
So I probably realised at the time that I was far more feminine that I was ” meant to be”. I often found myself deliberately talking in a masculine tone. An attempt to cover up what I saw at that time as a weakness on my part. This has been like an overhanging shadow for the best part of my life so far.
Breaking the Mould
But like anything, if you do it long enough it becomes a habit, and old habits can be harder to break. That is why I hate hearing my voice a lot of the time.
When I am talking to Strangers nowadays, I find that I can work with the softening of my voice. I have been working on this for the past couple of months. When I am with fellow Transgender friends, I feel completely comfortable in talking with a much softer voice. I even sometimes feel a rush of Gender Euphoria. It also makes me feel proud of myself for the good work I have accomplished with my voice.
However, when I am around people I have known since before the start of my transition, I often find myself breaking back into old habits and talking to them the way I always did as a boy. With that stupid voice that stinks of fake masculinity.
The Fears of the Past are dead
Maybe it doesn’t sound that bad from an outside perspective. Many who have known me for years say I have always sounded masculine. But I know myself better than they do. I know that it was always just a bullshit cover up. To cover up the femininity that I was programmed to believe was a weakness on my part. An Abnormality. Or worse still. Perhaps something that would define me as “a Poof”, something that I knew for sure I’d be disowned for.
But I try not to get too bitter at my upbringing. But it can be hard not to. Especially when you know that you wouldn’t be having to unpick 30 plus years of bad habits and could have lived a much happier life, had i only been given the chance.
But I loved my parents and could not at that time even contemplate being disowned by them. Even though I lived hundreds of miles apart from them since I was 15 years old until fairly recently. Now, they only live a couple of miles away from me now.
Re-Training my Voice
So when I decided to Transition after discovering that I was Transgender, I always knew that adapting my voice to sound more feminine would always be a challenge and would take time. This inevitably led to me having a very strong male voice. I could boom a barroom out. This was over the top of the noise of a couple of hundred drunken tourists without a Microphone.
So, this one time asset has become a bit of a liability and has taken a little while to soften my voice down. But I also find singing to be very therapeutic too. Especially for adapting my voice to a higher and more feminine tone.
So, I guess its serendipical that I can turn a handicap back into an asset again through singing to help me train my voice.
Hopefully soon, I will be able to look back on this period of time in a much better position and be able to have a laugh about it. But for now, it still makes me cringe a lot.
But after all, I always knew that transitioning was never gonna be an easy ride from the start, so I guess it’s to be expected. Still, I take heart in knowing that it will all be worthwhile in the long run.
Anyway, Have a great day everyone and I shall catch up with you all in my next blog post
Mwah!
Karalyne
xxx
