Well hello there everyone! Great to be back here again after a long absence. So it’s been a crazy year this summer so finally getting a chance to sit down and write.
Unfortunately, the Keyboard of my laptop is playing up so I’ve been having to use a USB Keyboard. Alongside the laptop itself, it makes for heavy luggage travelling on the buses and trains. So I decided to leave it and just use my cellphone for internet access, but it hasn’t been exactly great for writing a blog.
A Crazy Year of Festivals and Fields
So this year, apart from being my first year back at the festivals after the COVID-19 lockdown, it was also my first year working them as Karalyne. So I had no idea what to expect or how things would go. It was certainly interesting
Breaking outta Babylon
Well, I have to say that I was almost climbing the walls going Stir crazy at the beginning of the season. After Two years of Covid “House Arrest”, I was so relieved to get back out into the field again and getting a good dose of Sunshine and Fresh Air.
In fact, I was almost doing cartwheels all over the flat. So much so that I turned up early.
I started the season off in Bournemouth with the annual “Rugby 7s” festival. It’s not my cup of tea for a festival but I love the job because I get to catch up with lots of friends I haven’t seen since the previous season.
However, this year they put the date back a week due to the Queens jubilee. Well, I managed to confuse the dates and got there a week early. But it worked well. It gave me a week to get back into the feel of sleeping in a tent and getting up with the birds. It gave me a few days to explore the area. I usually manage to explore a little more each year.
Back to Basics
So, as I had no wheels this year, I decided at the beginning of the season that I would ride the rest of the summer out the old fashioned way. By travelling on public transport and sleeping in my tent. Thought I’d remind myself what I’m capable of. I managed okay, but I wouldn’t recommend it as the most comfortable way to roll.
Well, it took me a little while to get back into practice. But eventually, I got my luggage down to one (very well packed) rucksack. My tent packed in there first, then my clothes and sleeping bag with the hood strapped down tight. That way I can get everything I need on my back with both hands still free. This makes travelling on buses and trains so much easier.
At The Secret Garden Party, I suddenly realised that I had half of my wardrobe with me, which was far too much clothing to be lugging around the country. So I took the opportunity to pop back up north and offload some stuff into storage at a friends. I’ve been so used to having a vehicle with me where I can carry so much more and dont have to worry about packing it all neatly into a rucksack.
Feeling Masculine & Grotty
As much as I love the Job, getting plenty fresh air and exercise, there was many times I wished I had a Caravan with me this year as a Two Person tent (which is really enough room for One person) is far too small and cramped to put makeup on or even just changing your clothes. Even when I tatted a big walk in tent for the duration of the Boomtown clear up, it was still far too hot a humid to put makeup on.
The shower situation was brilliant this year. The majority of shows I worked had showers there right til the end. Hot showers too with good pressure. Possibly a first. However, as much as it felt great to hose down every night after work, the shower compartments are far too humid to even attempt to apply makeup. As soon as the running water stops, the room fills with steam. You’d be drying yourself and be soaking again seconds later.
Not being able to put makeup on every morning along with constantly having clothes that are soaked in bin juice is enough to stamp out any feeling or hope of gender euphoria for sure and it was pretty tough going.
Getting Lost
Also wearing my baggy T-Shirts and Camo Shorts (The last remnants of my old Male clothing) for work. As much as they were most practical clothes for the job. I was fully aware that I looked far too masculine for my comfort level.
This of course often made me really self conscious which I’d habitually try and overpower by chatting. Of course my mind being all over the place would just allow my voice to sound very masculine which would only serve to make me feel even more dysphoric, This sort of feeling was quite regular throughout the summer. So after a little while it starts to get a bit overwhelming.
Meltdown
So needless to say, I had a few meltdowns. I remember one night during The Secret Garden Party clear-up, I was feeling so Dysphoric and it was really getting to me.
So I ended up just staying in my tent for the rest of the night until i fell asleep.
One morning things just got on top of me that I felt like just quitting and going back to civilisation street. But I soon got my head into gear with a reality check and got on with things.
Being continuously Dead named and misgendered would also weigh up on my mind and sometimes would become overbearing. A couple of times I’d end up snapping at people for dead naming me with “My Names Kara!”. But I tried my best not to do that and for the best part succeeded.
Afterall, I could hardly blame people for dead naming me when they’ve known me for years by my old male name. Nor can I blame people for mis gendering me when they dont know me and I’m wearing masculine clothing, no makeup and sometimes even shadow on my face. But it did still get to me a fair bit.
These mini meltdowns became quite commonplace throughout the summer and i gradually learned how to deal with them better
Pulling it Together
So after some time, I learned to bite the bullet and accept that there probably wasn’t much chance of looking too feminine whilst living with these arrangements.
Nor was there much opportunity to chat in online support groups and the like which I have found to be very helpful so far in my transition, especially in those dark situations.
So i decided to just switch off best i could and ride it out for the rest of the season.
Cracking on
I dont know if just switching off to problems is necessarily the best way to deal with issues and I’d always recommend that any issues and problems we may have be resolved in the open rather than pushed under the bed so to speak. But it certainly worked for me when i was struggling to deal with it all at once and I was becoming overwhelmed by it all.
So I carried on keeping in mind that this situation was only temporary and that i would eventually get back to a level of comfort where i can focus on continuing my transition comfortably. In the meantime, it was just a case of switching off and keep on keeping on and earn as much as i can whilst the season was busy. So that’s what i did.
Here we are again
So here I am once again at the end of a long and busy summer chilling out at last. I have to admit, sleeping in a tent isn’t as comfortable as i found it maybe 10 or 20 years ago. But, as always, I feel so much healthier for it. After a good dose of summer sunshine, I always feel somewhat revived when it comes to this time of the year.
How was Your Summer?
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my little article here and hearing how my summer went for me. I’d love to know how yours was for you. So please feel free to tell us about it in the comments below. Alternatively, you can reach me here at karalyne@karalyne.com.
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